of sharing and companionship

I have been married for more than 4 years now but I have been really living with my partner for 1 year and a half. I used to dread being on my own finally when I figured out how to survive on my own.
Negotiating with sibling about sharing spaces was really different because we knew we love each other to death and mostly nothing I do or say would change that. But with J it was different cause he's my partner yet none of us knew what makes us tick, throw a tantrum, jump with joy, walk out of the house screaming never to return (I confess I was the only one who ever did that), or what the others lifestyles was at all. We both worked together on this journey, sometimes consciously mostly cause of the default situations we were in.
Right now as I am writing we are at a vacation with J's sister's family at a hotel in fort mayers. J's sleeping cause he's feeling a lil' unwell. Next week when we get back to the woo i have a few days before I leave for Hyderabad. This is the first time ever that I feel bad leaving him behind alone. Even though I can't wait to get home in Hyderabad, especially cause gudiya will be a mommy soon I feel sad that he'll be lonely I feel like I'll miss him. This is also the first time ever that I also feel bad leaving Worcester, the town that I hate and love. Love cause this is my first home out of my comfort zone and I know real people from Worcester and I have a sense of community over there after being there for almost three years. Hate because the weather can get harsh and also people are to your face and cold during harsher weathers. You may not love Worcester the first time but believe me its a city that grows on you.
I will give J a hug soon and get in my blanket.

Ups and Downs

I have been technically unemployed for more or less a year now. I was paid part time for parts of it when we worked almost full time hours plus I had work authorization. After being a volunteer for almost a year and a half for WRP and TSB I was asked if I wanted work visa. I had to decide within a week and so did the board. The tricky part is I am a Board member also. A part of me thought I need a real paid job forget about the financial situation of the board. I even asked M to get in touch with the lawyer and find out the detail and he did.

Of course the consultation with the lawyer confirmed what we already knew organizing with worcester's immigrant coalition, that this system is set up to discourage non us citizens from legally working.

After a day of back and forth I could finally think as a board member and I realized this made no sense. The budget for the next year is not yet ratified. We all came out of the reflection meeting with people coming out honestly about their concerns. And their were more concerns than I though. I was really shocked when B stated how she did not want to go on with us after May. I really thought if at all she is really happy with her work because she meets all her deadlines and even exceeds them. I could not help but wear my board member hat and relinquish the luxury of having a paid job for a couple of more months.

I did realize too that my being able to volunteer is a position of privilege and luxury. I have the choice to engage and disengage at my will. I also have the time to do things that please me at my own sweet pace without worrying about missing my slingshot appointments. I really do hope though that this luxury does not last forever. Cause work pleases me not working kills me! I feel more than ever that I have swam far away from my land and I am ready to find new shores and return back to my land.

Return of student movement!

I had first heard about TRS and need for a separation of Telangana and Andhra from Kodandram, Sashi and Lalita. They were engaged in the student movement in the 1969 and 70s. They spoke about students, academics and other supporters who were disappeared and lost lives cause of their involvement in the movement. I had read further about it while doing research about my master's paper on food insecurity in telangana region. I wondered often where has the students political consciousness gone away since then. During my time in school and that of my seniors I never heard about any one speaking passionately about political ideologies. Infact I do not remember people being passionate about anything much at all.
I was excited reading about students being involved again and pushing KCR to fast. Did the political consciousness miss a couple of generations? I know its most unfortunate that this movement took a violent shape and is misguided the rationality behind the demand for Telengana is used by some politicians to gain power. I am against use of violence except in certain circumstances. I do also see in this case violence is and will exclude some from participating in the movement and cause divisions. What I am glad about that in this age of internet communications this rising political consciousness would be hard to quash.

love that makes me feel guilty

So I will be going to hyderabad soon...have booked my tickets to leave on 7th Jan....what's most exciting besides meeting family and friends who will be meeting from and across India is that my lil' sister sang would be having a baby....even ross has sensed the baby....(he seems to begin following and liking sangeeta).....I have been speaking a lot more to people I speak to regularly and am trying to get back in touch with those I love but haven't been very good at communicating with.

I sense the excitement from my family and friends and being to able to meet me again....what makes me feel guilty is when I sense a lot more love and excitement than I deserve....I do not know why I am loved this much...even though I feel honored.....sometimes it feels really hard to live up to the standards set for me/ the expectations people have of me.

revisiting snow blizzard and aks days

We knew then how to be extremely happy then and knew that we were having the best time of our lives...I know we had some cheap fights and name calling which only made the experience more entertaining.....we celebrated surviving the blizzard by dancing around the snow woman who was smoking pot....life was much less messy and love so much more unconditional.....It was so easy to say things like 'I am so happy and its so beautiful around I do not care if my life ends here' or 'We will have a summer home on the mountains of Himachal or Uttranchal and only allow friends to visit us'. We really believed that would happen cause we could not fathom life could turn out any other way.

On relationship side it was the time sang, sandy and I became really good friends. In some way sang and I were always best friends but we had had a small patch of distance when I was going to business school and sang figuring out what she wanted to do with life. But this was after school and here we not only became friends with each other but made a circle of friends both human and those from the dog world. Sang and I also became friends with papa and maa at this time. This is when we saw their vulnerabilities for the first time and saw the cracks which we filled with mutual trust and respect. I know even though we aren't together any more and our situations have changed our the circle of friends could be invoked at anytime. I know each of us would be there for any of us at anytime even though some have been out of touch and some others like ram, maaya and ozzy are not physically alive but their spirits continue to take care of us.

people who touch lives

Recently sangeeta told me that sunita chachi is severely unwell and might even be in her last days. Death of all loved ones makes one sad but especially of those people who have always been kind and have genuinely good hearts. I haven't been with her for long but as much time I have spent with her I have admired her. She has all these burnt marks all over her because she had 2nd degree burns in an accident and yet she looks beautiful to me. She isn't really related to us but her husband and my dad were neighbors and they went to the same school. When I met her I thought why isn't she my real chachi. I hope she recovers!

Yet again Democracy has been short changed!

I had gone to a city council meeting recently with save our poolz coalition and we were hopeful that after months of organizing and attending public hearings the councillors would factor in voices of people while voting on the pools. I hoped they would support neighborhood pools if not for the sake of democracy atleast off the fear that elctions are 'round the corner.

I dont know why I was heart broken at the final vote, I should have known what the decision would be cause this was not the first time I had seen months organizing going in vain. It was not the first time voices of people who are concerned was ignored. It brought be back a déjà vu from the time I was a student rep. on the faculty search committee. It reminded me of the strategy used by people in power to discred voices of people who take the courage to speak up. We were asked yet again: Who do the people who spoke up represent? The answer is simple, its the voices of people who are concerned, voices of those whose rights have been structurally undermined time and again. Councillor Rushton articulated what I felt at both times really well "What had been short changed was democracy...".

I know too that it was not a totally useless effort at both times because of the number of people present at the coalition meetings has gone up and are willing to go to the extent to take direct action to stop the construction of the mega pool and the fact that the student of colour collective still exists shows that the our work still has worth. I know we will not stay quiet, know we will rise back and question again.

work and other rant

I am starting this blog post without a title as I when I think of titles I try looking for something fancy to make it exciting and then the fancy title acts as a barrier cause I have to write about things based on the title!!

I have had a very intense summer....its been a lot of stress, a lot of work and some fun. I have been working with Toxic soil busters / worcester roots since last summer. This summer however was more intense as youth have vacations (that means we work longer hours beside the heat) on top it we were attempting to incubate two new cooperatives, a graphic shop and Youth Incharge. There were lots of council meetings and heated real talks, some issues resolved, some left as everyone was getting burnt out. There is a lot of value in having real talks and I learn this summer that they work only if all the parties involved have a vested interest in making it work and a willingness to engage and be uncomfortable. We use real talks (kasapa) to give a space for people to speak about how they are feeling and make space for consturctive feedback to make our work more effective and fun. At the end of the summer graphic shop ceases to exist in the form we envisioned while Youth Incharge is still together despite several issues tha we had.

One thing I noticed in the working style of both adults and youth that is different from mine and from most people I worked with in the past in India was compartmentalization and lack of follow through. We hyderabadis are known for being lazy nawabs and Americans for being in time and organized. Infact in Barkatpura I remember even on days when we had deadlines to meet people had the time to stop and check-in. Here everyone looks very busy on the outset with tight agendas, back-to-back non-stop meetings but often times they spend time attending meetings and do not really follow through on work they take on.

dreary day

i've been telling myself each day that spring's round the corner...that their will be flowers blooming soon ....and that i should be happy.....i managed to convince myself too for many days....today has not been helpful...i woke up feeling unhappy.....have not been able to figure out what's irking ......an unable to get myself out of my moody blues!!

slipping out of my grasp

i haven't been officially working for sometime and thought time would slow down....but i feel like so much is changing so fast its slipping right out of my grasp.....people are fading out leaving.....i feel scared sometimes cause everything i used to think is constant is changing .....status quo's being challenged every day...it seems like like for every two steps i take to go forward i take 4 in some other random direction.....i feel very disoriented!!