of sharing and companionship

I have been married for more than 4 years now but I have been really living with my partner for 1 year and a half. I used to dread being on my own finally when I figured out how to survive on my own.
Negotiating with sibling about sharing spaces was really different because we knew we love each other to death and mostly nothing I do or say would change that. But with J it was different cause he's my partner yet none of us knew what makes us tick, throw a tantrum, jump with joy, walk out of the house screaming never to return (I confess I was the only one who ever did that), or what the others lifestyles was at all. We both worked together on this journey, sometimes consciously mostly cause of the default situations we were in.
Right now as I am writing we are at a vacation with J's sister's family at a hotel in fort mayers. J's sleeping cause he's feeling a lil' unwell. Next week when we get back to the woo i have a few days before I leave for Hyderabad. This is the first time ever that I feel bad leaving him behind alone. Even though I can't wait to get home in Hyderabad, especially cause gudiya will be a mommy soon I feel sad that he'll be lonely I feel like I'll miss him. This is also the first time ever that I also feel bad leaving Worcester, the town that I hate and love. Love cause this is my first home out of my comfort zone and I know real people from Worcester and I have a sense of community over there after being there for almost three years. Hate because the weather can get harsh and also people are to your face and cold during harsher weathers. You may not love Worcester the first time but believe me its a city that grows on you.
I will give J a hug soon and get in my blanket.

Ups and Downs

I have been technically unemployed for more or less a year now. I was paid part time for parts of it when we worked almost full time hours plus I had work authorization. After being a volunteer for almost a year and a half for WRP and TSB I was asked if I wanted work visa. I had to decide within a week and so did the board. The tricky part is I am a Board member also. A part of me thought I need a real paid job forget about the financial situation of the board. I even asked M to get in touch with the lawyer and find out the detail and he did.

Of course the consultation with the lawyer confirmed what we already knew organizing with worcester's immigrant coalition, that this system is set up to discourage non us citizens from legally working.

After a day of back and forth I could finally think as a board member and I realized this made no sense. The budget for the next year is not yet ratified. We all came out of the reflection meeting with people coming out honestly about their concerns. And their were more concerns than I though. I was really shocked when B stated how she did not want to go on with us after May. I really thought if at all she is really happy with her work because she meets all her deadlines and even exceeds them. I could not help but wear my board member hat and relinquish the luxury of having a paid job for a couple of more months.

I did realize too that my being able to volunteer is a position of privilege and luxury. I have the choice to engage and disengage at my will. I also have the time to do things that please me at my own sweet pace without worrying about missing my slingshot appointments. I really do hope though that this luxury does not last forever. Cause work pleases me not working kills me! I feel more than ever that I have swam far away from my land and I am ready to find new shores and return back to my land.

Return of student movement!

I had first heard about TRS and need for a separation of Telangana and Andhra from Kodandram, Sashi and Lalita. They were engaged in the student movement in the 1969 and 70s. They spoke about students, academics and other supporters who were disappeared and lost lives cause of their involvement in the movement. I had read further about it while doing research about my master's paper on food insecurity in telangana region. I wondered often where has the students political consciousness gone away since then. During my time in school and that of my seniors I never heard about any one speaking passionately about political ideologies. Infact I do not remember people being passionate about anything much at all.
I was excited reading about students being involved again and pushing KCR to fast. Did the political consciousness miss a couple of generations? I know its most unfortunate that this movement took a violent shape and is misguided the rationality behind the demand for Telengana is used by some politicians to gain power. I am against use of violence except in certain circumstances. I do also see in this case violence is and will exclude some from participating in the movement and cause divisions. What I am glad about that in this age of internet communications this rising political consciousness would be hard to quash.

love that makes me feel guilty

So I will be going to hyderabad soon...have booked my tickets to leave on 7th Jan....what's most exciting besides meeting family and friends who will be meeting from and across India is that my lil' sister sang would be having a baby....even ross has sensed the baby....(he seems to begin following and liking sangeeta).....I have been speaking a lot more to people I speak to regularly and am trying to get back in touch with those I love but haven't been very good at communicating with.

I sense the excitement from my family and friends and being to able to meet me again....what makes me feel guilty is when I sense a lot more love and excitement than I deserve....I do not know why I am loved this much...even though I feel honored.....sometimes it feels really hard to live up to the standards set for me/ the expectations people have of me.